A blog is not a diary. Having a blog that is accessible to the people I love keeps me in check a little – I don’t censor myself, as such, but I do choose what to share. What I have found lately, though, is that I am not really sharing, so it is time for a little bit of honesty and also a slight change of tactic.
I am going to keep a personal diary. Not online, not an anonymous blog, but a pure, honest, written in a book with a pen, diary. Because I think that I have not been examining all my thoughts fully, and I think it’s time for a little bit of self-analysis and that might include feelings about other people, and things that I want to keep very private. Just for me, just for my self improvement. I might still discuss some of those things on my blog too, but it’s time I dug a little deeper.
I don’t think my blog is shallow, but guess what? For the last two weeks I have been eating and eating and eating. Calories and calories, and some of it secretly. I have bought chocolate and had it stashed at my desk at work as I ate my way through it (and it didn’t take long). But also even the way we have been eating at home is not healthy – mentally or physically. Dave has put on weight in the last few weeks as well – over the course of about a week or two, he ate this huge (and I mean huge) bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The only reason I didn’t join in is because I don’t like them – instead I ate my way through lots of other chocolate and treats. Did I discuss this in my blog? Did I share my thoughts and my horror with you all, or even share my food diary so that you could see what was happening? No, I swept it all under the carpet (or I would have, if I was a good housekeeper, instead I probably just pushed it over there onto a pile).
Yesterday I didn’t keep a food diary and I refuse to do the maths, but we ate egg and bacon rolls for breakfast, McDonalds for lunch, thick shakes and donuts for afternoon tea, and fried chicken and chips for dinner. I went to bed still too full, and I was lying there trying to work out what inspired such binge behaviour, and I admit that I don’t really know. The thing is, this could just be a really bad habit, and habits are so very hard to break. So perhaps by keeping a personal diary, or record, of my deepest and perhaps not most wonderful feelings throughout the day, I might discover a trigger I did not know was there.
This morning I got up and had a healthy breakfast. I’m not kidding myself that this isn’t a usual pattern (eat well for a little while, then fall straight back into the food habits in my comfort zone) but I am sternly lecturing myself that this has to stop. My health depends on it, and frankly I’m not happy with the way I am gaining weight at the moment. I want to be losing at least one kilogram a week, not going in the opposite direction!